Day 51 – English Whisky

Wednesday next week is the first of June. That will mark five months.

On the first of January this year I took the momentous decision to give up something I really enjoyed. I decided without much forethought that after eighteen years if I wanted to stink I would from now on rather shit in my pants. You see I gave up smoking. And I can honestly say that I have not had a drag or a sneaky one since. The tobacco companies are distraught with my decision and have been courting me very publicly via the press and through their smoke with us and be cool promotions at night clubs. They only made £27 BILLION last year and would really like to make some more next year. £27 BILLION!! Fuck me that’s a lot of money!

In a crowd of ten thousand I will go and stand next to the guy who is smoking. I enjoy the smell, just not on me anymore, and occasionally I let my small mind imagine what one cigarette would feel like. Yesterday was one of those days, I really felt like a ciggie. I even dreamed last night that I smoked one. That is sad I know but unlike others I have not reached absolute sadness levels, smokers are not vilified in my presence. I understand, I often envy them, I sympathise, with their weakness and it has to be said their craving for this vice.

There are a few upsides to not smoking. When you’re driving and now not smoking you don’t have to brush the ash off your clothes when it flicks back inside the open window. You don’t have to go stand outside the restaurant, shopping mall, or office in the pissing rain to get your fix. Your fingers don’t show a yellow tinge which is actually pretty disgusting. You can actually taste stuff and best of this is that you can smell stuff too, like coffee from the other side of the house. And although there are many more benefits, like perhaps your improved health and lower life insurance premiums, you actually keep money in your wallet for much longer.  Ah smoking, the good ‘ol days.

Other news being debated in today’s media warrants my two pennies worth. The Queen – of England in case you’re wondering – is worried about the possible break up of the United Kingdom. This concern stems from the Scots and more particularly their growing support for the Scottish National Party. The SNP wants autonomy for Scotland. I have a solution for both the queen and for Scotland and I plead of you, should you know a Scottish parliamentarian, to implore them to get in touch with me.

The framework of my solution goes like this, and is addressed to the English. It is not politically correct and will upset the tree huggers and probably the Scots.

Build a really big wall topped with electric fencing and razor wire from left to right, East to West across the northern part of England, about where Hadrian did his. Introduce a difficult to get visa system for Scots wanting to visit England and announce that all Scots in England presently should denounce their Scottish ancestry and accept English citizenship or they should leave the country within, say, 24 hours. Also, picket the European Union to not accept Scotland as part of the EU. Ban Scottish companies from trading in the now revised United Kingdom and start making English whisky in Milton Keynes.

And then sit back and watch the fireworks. What a show it will be. The SNP will implode in a heartbeat because even the most stupid of Scot, in his dress, will realize the folly of their patriotic endeavour. To the Scots – and let it be known that I am a fan of your whisky and of your landscapes – dry your eyes and grow up! There are bigger things to worry about. You get the benefit of your relationship with the English so know your place in the pecking order.

Since the World Cup in South Africa last year I have been more in tune with the goings on with FIFA. And only because they came here and bullied our pathetic government, even succeeding in temporarily changing the taxation laws, allowing them to take their ill gotten gains with them to their tax haven. And now, FIFA and its top knobs are embroiled in a corruption scandal. What a fucking surprise! Do those that make unpopular decisions – the corruption investigators - live in a friggin dream world or is it only because they didn’t get any of the booty. Why did it take so long to come to the fore? Ask just about any South African that had anything to do with the spectacle last year. Ask the schools that were left a legacy of shit after FIFA used their facilities as training pitches. Blatter must go as far as I am concerned. Smarmy bastard.

And finally, a point was made to me last night. How do we know that the rapture didn’t take place. We, those of us still on earth, could be the poor souls not raptured. Just a thought.

Until tomorrow.