Day 106 - Hot Totty (enham)

You can't take me anywhere. Well you can actually. The first time to have a good time, the second time to apologise and pick up my name. I had a quick look at yesterdays post and I am quite embarrassed. I could edit it but to change it would be against the spirit of observing my life and thoughts for a whole year. Don't know what you're gonna do on day 366 when there is no post to read.. Don't know what I'm going to do either.

Busy busy yesterday, had our best day so far on food which is brilliant, bar sales last night were brisk, there were no idiots in which was fantastic and even better, the pub across the road, the one also run by a Saffer was busy too! So all round a pleasing weekend so far with today to go.

Woke this morning to Sky News going on about the riots in Tottenham. Now, you have probably worked out that I am not very politically correct, I tend to call it as I see it. This is my understanding of what happened, and please it is only my view cobbled together from various news reports. Remember this is England, this is where people are educated, they generally know right from wrong, they are trained well. And although the plod aren't my favourite species I would accept that 99.9% of them would not shoot me if they didn't think there was imminent lethal danger to themselves or people around them. This is also the country where there are draconian gun laws. In other words if you have a gun  - and I'm not talking about the hunting type - you are probably doing something you shouldn't be. And the police would be a bit edgy. With me so far?

So this black dude in Tottenham on Thursday starts waving his gun around and pulling the trigger a few times. The police now a bit edgy give him some lead earplugs. He is no more. Fair enough. That would probably happen anywhere in the world. So the grieving family and his gangsta friends, probably majority black, yesterday, march on the local nick, start a riot, burn buildings, buses and car, loot shops and cause untold misery for families living above shops, for people trying to make a living. And the bunny huggers are trying to pin the blame on the cops. C'mon, I know I'm new here and a foreigner but really. Surely they don't honestly think that the police are to blame. The are being accused of being a bit slow to react. Of course they would have been. The local nick in Tottenham probably doesn't have a riot squad on permanent duty on a Saturday evening. They probably had to call people in, they probably;y had to muster a temporary squad to get things going. But the fault is not with the police, it is with the wankers who started all the shit in the first place, those who have zero respect for anyone else. Those who think (and this would be a minority it must be said) that because they are black they must be a/ a gangster or b/ a thug or c/ poor or d/ a criminal. Unfortunately the local nick didn't have a water cannon or rubber bullet firing weapon to hand. Or even better a 30 Browning. That normally separates things.

No people. If you want live here you should adapt to this culture. I know the world is a changing place, but respect for others cost nothing. It is a sad sign of the times that the British government is debating whether or not to reintroduce the death penalty. Maybe what they should start first is introducing deportation orders for people whose parents or grandparents didn't originally come from this country. That would wake a few up. They think they got it tough now. It would be a lot tougher for a wannabee London gangsta in Mogadishu.

But, as you know it's not going to happen. Every tree hugger, bunny hugger and do gooder will make sure of that. As long as they stay in London and no where near me.

Until tomorrow.

Day 105 - Just Because

Just so that you don't accuse me of failing in my life's work I need to write this. I am officially inebriated. Yes I hazve enjoyed one or two drinks (or ten!) but feel obligated to do this. 

It's a bit US army like where they test you in different circumstances.

I have taken an age to type this without typo mistakes - I am sure there will be some secretive and very serious agency that chercks the spelling oj thisd kind of shit but oh well won't they be in for a surprise.

It has been decided today that alcohol is an amazing thing and one that all should partake in. God speed.

Until tomorrrow.

Day 104 - Speedo's & Sausages

The sun is out. I bet there aren't too many days of this sunshine left. It won't be long now and those in SA will start gloating about how hot it is there and how cold it is here. We shall be wrapped up in our sheepskin moccasins and 2 million count duck feather duvets, our real fires in our living rooms and pubs will be roaring (I'm surprised the health and safety communists haven't stopped this) while on the other side of the planet, they will be wearing speedo's and cooking sausages on the fire. Unless of course you live in Australia. In Australia, every time someone lights up a barbie the whole place burns down, ancient forests are destroyed and cute and thirsty koala bears make it onto the front page of every newspaper. But at least the sun is shining. And to have that is sometimes akin to having oxygen, or so they would have us believe. And I believe.

There. An explosive and get it in there on the Aussies before the world cup start to this day's blog post. I guess you're probably bored of me prattling on about just how marvellous this pub is so I thought I would wind things up a bit. In the land of the long white cloud the juggernaut of All Black rugby is steadying itself for home tournament pressure. Not only have they got earthquakes to deal with - and there has been a few of those - they also have a demanding home crowd to please. And as any rugby enthusiast will tell you, since 1987 they have been less than successful in finding what was hidden in the Webb Ellis trophy. Like before the last world cup on 2007, it seems that NZ have peaked a tad early. They seem to forget, repeatedly, that winning the Tri Nations in World Cup year is really not that important. They seem to forget that no one remembers who won the tri nations but everyone remembers who won the world cup. They also seem to think that chanting their natives haka still has the same mystical effect on their opponents, only the tree huggers have expressed outrage about drawing the thumb across the throat lest it offends someone. But after the haka you're allowed to inflict as much pain as you can. Go Figure.

South Africa in the meantime is doing a Jake White and fielding a D side for the Tri Nations, which - and this is a bit odd because we have done it before and no one seems to remember this - hopefully keeps our best but now very old and five time veterans of World cups and part time waiters at Spur (may as well put them in every position possible) players in tip top condition. Last time we did this we were accused of spoiling the game of rugby and then we went onto win the World Cup. This time, players rested an' all, I think Div will be lucky to take us to the final and to win it will require the finess of a ballerina. Or maybe a dodgy meal served to the opponents. Or maybe Julius Malema can wear John Smits number and be carried aloft by the players after their valiant and victorious second round exit...anyway I digress and its not all about winning. Right? Div, I am waiting for your call. Wouldn't mind a run in the last game.

And as for England. No one is saying anything at all about their chances at this years world cup. Does this mean that they're keeping it a secret from me in case I pass on this sensitive information to Div? Does it mean that they're quietly confident of a victory? Or does it mean that the fans have given up in despair in what the board of the RFU are up to? I don't know but it is good to know that here they have the same shit at the higher levels of sport as SA does. Only in SA it will always be worked back to race. 

That's it for today. Hope you have a fabulous day. Until tomorrow.

Day 103 - Kitchen Spanglish

Back to the 'ol wholesaler today. More stuff required but we are getting cleverer about what we buy and how much we buy. I have a little view on insanity, that being; the definition of insanity is when you keep repeating the same process and expect a different result, so it started to concern me when the checkout bloke greeted me by name and said 'same again'. So now we plan better and buy more and make fewer trips. I suppose it also helps that we're starting to get a feel for the volume and eating and drinking habits of middle England. This part of it anyway. And maybe one day the wholesaler will find it in their heart to take my order and deliver it to me. But only when I get to the front of the waiting list. And only if they have space on their truck. And only once they have completed a full health and safety check of my premises. Yes, this is indeed the first, paint everything yellow so that no one bumps their head, world.

Today is truly a momentous day, we joined the modern world and can now watch television as we had an aerial installed. It cost a whole lot of money to have this digital aerial installed but just as you know this is the only village in the northern hemisphere with no mobile phone signal, it also has, yes no word of a lie, notoriously bad television reception too. I was warned that only 7 or 8 channels would be available but no, with this state of the art, more expensive than a small house very shiny and digital aerial that points in the opposite direction to all the other aerials I can get 104 free to view channels! Now that is what I call a significant step up. For the offspring, who by now know every word and facial expression of every DVD we own (and the youngest still laughs at every replay of every DVD??) this is an amazing day. They will be able to vegetate completely now in front of the box and scroll through the channels like never before. And being a valued BT customer - the same people that took forever to install a bloody telephone line - I also have something called BT Vision, which means that we have PVR functionality and movies on demand and something else and something else. Just don't ask me what they are. My eleven year old who thinks she is eighteen will be able to tell me after today though so I'm not worried. I have asked for a written report posted on bookface. Please watch out for it.

The other super exciting thing that happened today is that we had a twenty strong Spanish Expedition group arrive unannounced for lunch. I did scratch my head a bit when four kitted out overland 4x4's pulled into the car park. An expedition to England? Wonder if they know that there are no castles and knights or pygmies to traverse. Anyway, they came for lunch and after much kitchen Spanglish we worked out what they wanted to eat and I was only more more than happy to relieve them of their cash. A fine lunch time trade indeed and I hope that tomorrow we shall entertain further clients from other European counties. That will be a result!

It is getting easier. We now have a full compliment of staff, including reasonable people in the kitchen so we can now concentrate on the important things like customer service and all the nice front of house stuff. One day too we shall have Internet banking that works. That too will be a step forward again and perhaps a story for another time.

Until tomorrow.

Day 102 - Oh Charlie!

In December last year, students here in the UK staged a protest in London about tuition fees. The protest turned violent as was widely expected and it seems one high profile youngster, Charlie Gilmour, who is the cut off from the real money and probably quite posh son of the writer Heathcote Williams, is bearing the brunt of it. Or so the papers would have us believe. To set the scene even further, this kid is also a student at Cambridge Uni - which is an esteemed and probably expensive choice of institutions and probably quite steep in tradition and values.

I make no claim at all about being an expert on their - the students - woes at all. I am not in tune but I do remember watching this on Sky news back in SA and wondering why the plod weren't a little more robust in their reaction. That students, educated people the majority of which were probably bought up right were allowed to carry on like savages, ransacking shopfronts and attacking the police lines. This particular youngster, Charlie, was one of probably many who got caught committing these acts and later it turned out was filmed swinging on the Union flag which was attached to the Cenotaph, which as you know commemorates Britain's war dead.Charlie was jailed, not for desecrating this monument (he should have been)- he should have been made to join up and see just what it means to be put in harms way -  but for other stuff he did in the protest. All is good so far?

Right. Poor old posh Charlie is wallowing in Wandsworth and according to his mum, spends 23 hours a day in his cell. Shame. She has started a campaign to have him released early and of course all the tree and bunny huggers lament with her this travesty of justice. How unfair that this face of the protest should be given a custodial sentence when, and I quote, 'only one side get to wear armour'!! Of course only one side should be wearing body armour - you're lucky they weren't carrying weapons. She also goes on, it is reported, to encourage future protesters to wear a balaclava so as not to be recognised. Its no friggin wonder your son is social misfit you stupid woman. If this is your attitude to your sons total disregard for the law and his total disrespect for those who died so that you wouldn't have to speak German, then you should be locked up next to him! Whining now that he was high on drugs and alcohol hardly paints you and your rock star husband as good parents. You should be ashamed of yourself for fucking this up so bad and of him and make him do his time. Hopefully when he comes out the other side he'll be a better person and still young enough to make right his wrongs.

My personal view. Don't release him one minute earlier than his full sentence. Hopefully others will get the message and may think twice. Hopefully the next time a protester wears a balaclava he gets shot. Just a suggestion. What will probably happen, a soft government under pressure to appease the student vote will release him early. Another halfwit will continue on his quest to spend his mum's money. 

And finally, on about Day 24 or 25 of this blog I wrote that eventually someone from Seal Team 6 - the guys who clocked Osama with one in the head - would start claiming some glory points. Remember? Well its started. Watch the press.

Until tomorrow.

Day 101 - Ghosts

This morning. I have re-read my vodka fueled posting from last night with some trepidation. Expecting some or other insult passed, it wasn't, and noting that the spelling is horrendous to say the least. It almost got emotional though. Yesterday was the one hundredth posting and to celebrate and honour this milestone my mate BC went, so he tells me, and had a few beers for a change. Not with me it must be said. But 12000km away in sunny SA. That was his excuse anyway. So thanks for that.

Prior to coming here we had heard that the building had a ghost. I am not a believer in the paranormal, maybe I will be when I see it but right now a ghost to me is Caspar. 

A few days ago the kids along with some of their mates, playing hide and seek, swear they saw one - a ghostly apparition -  in the flat upstairs and then this morning out of the kitchen printer printed a ticket for two desserts. This could happen but the kitchen wasn't open yet and there is no record of it on the till. It doesn't appear. At all. At lunch some prices have changed on a few dishes and not on others. I am the only one with a programming key to change the prices. A bit weird I have to say, especially when you think that this a cash register and not a software driven mind of its own computer thingy. I'm still not a believer but I am a logical person so I do have a question or two about this stuff. I shall keep you informed as time goes on.

I was also offered last night a mountain of wood / logs for next to nothing. With two wood burners in the place and a longish winter coming up I am definitely going to need them. It's gonna look a bit odd in the meantime having firewood delivered in the middle of summer but when we're snowed in and others are huddling around their useless in this village mobile phones for warmth, I shall have a raging fire and a warm pub. Even if no one can get here.

Being offered stuff is probably one of the benefits of a country pub. I hope come the hunting season to be offered pheasant and other stuff for a good price. I have the ideal hanging space for them too. It can't get any more authentic than that. Roast pheasant will be on the menu, or roast rabbit or roast something or other. 

And that is about it for today. Once again I send greetings to wherever you are reading this. To my mate on his way to the pit I wish you well and be safe, your wife and daughter are waiting back home for you. To everyone else, treasure and be grateful for what you have. As they have found in Norway, it can be taken in an instant.

God speed. Until tomorrow.

Day 100 - Vodka baby!

This is truly an occasion. For those who thought little of follow through ability I think I have proven you wrong. Yes I have missed a few days over the time but hey, there has been some momentous life changing moments in this life in these past 100 and a few days. I have tried to tell my story as I see it without fear or favour. Have I succeeded, that is for you to judge. I sit here now, 6 double and flavoured and very nice vodkas in, its 12.40am in sunny, or at least it was earlier, England, I have worked a full day and then some, my feet are sore, I can smell myself and to be honest I feel good. I feel like I have achieved. I feel like I should not forget these times.

Things are coming together. We are closer now to finding a chef which means things upstairs will start to improve as the stress levels go down. Wait. I know what you're thinking. Its not like that. Honest. If you're married you'll know. Nudge nudge wink wink! Already there are regular faces starting to come in everyday, as you would expect in a pub I suppose. Already there are stories about us in this small town. We are starting to be recognised in the supermarket. We are starting to get our game together. Isn't it starange how 6 double vodkas azffects your typing abilities. I feel like I'm on some NASA experiment, half expecting a talking monkey to pop his 'ead round the corner. Maybe its just the alcohol. Maybe. 

Someone asked me today if I missed home. Of course I do. Of course I miss my parents, the family that i rarely saw but nknew was there, of course I miss the lifestyle. Of course I miss the braai's and the fanta brown. And of course I miss my mates. But I do have a measuring system in my own head about which 'mates' I miss most. Those that surprised me with their spirit and their acceptance I respect. Those that couldn't be fucking bothered. Oh well. At least that bit is reciprocated now. Dronk Verdriet. Maybe? The acid test will be when they need somewhere to stay on their holiday. I know what my wife will say. And its not pleasant.

Pleasantly surprised yesterady afternoob - thats the alcohol talking swahili -  when a mate from back home and his missus  appeared in the pub. Great to see them and hopefully in a weekend or two they'll come stay by us. I feel a session coming on. Properly. I need to eat so I'm going to go now. If you're still reading this then i salute your patience and your interpretationm skills. You deserve a medal.

Until tomorrow. Vodka is the bomb!