Day 142 - Anti-Aircraft

I sit here in the quiet, only the feint street noises behind me and the creeks and groans from the pub below disturbing my concentration. Outside the rain is persistent, so much for the drought and bizarrely the hosepipe ban I think. I have wondered that if I had bought a hosepipe in the days before the profound announcement of its ban would I be entitled to get my money back from the vendor and should the vendor be prosecuted for selling banned materials. “Man jailed for Hosepipe Smuggling” could be the headlines of tomorrow’s paper. Maybe but probably not to be honest.  (Another thought that has gone through my some would say pea sized brain is creating an advert asking the general public in Somalia, Kenya, Bangladesh etc. etc. to donate £2 a week to help Britain’s populace in this difficult time of drought. Perhaps pictures of small children eating their last chicken nugget or a picture taken in a pub where they can only afford to drink half pints….anyway I digress.)

No. What will more than likely be on the front pages of tomorrow’s papers is the announcement that the MOD is considering positioning anti-aircraft missiles on the rooftops of high rise building in and around London to protect the capital during the Jubilee and Olympics later this year. I think this is a great idea and one that should be embraced by all and sundry. Because now that it’s been publicised months before the actual events the terrs and the tali’s and hardly likely to attack from the air. Instead now all they will do is go to ground and find another way in to cause mayhem. 

Staying on this subject, let me paint you a picture. The tali’s in the flowing beards and dressing gowns do decide to launch an attack from the air. The triggerman on the rooftop identifies a target, a civilian aircraft most likely, what does he do?

a/ he fires, knows he‘s saving lives by taking lives
b/ calls for authorisation, gets it instantly, pulls the trigger and saves the world or
c/ calls for authorisation, a multi levelled authorisation process that involves the completion of a risk assessment, a collateral damage assessment, an appointment with the local health and safety rep to ensure the safe discharge of the weapon, a visibility and proactivity assessment, a labour law compliance assessment and a current training competency assessment.

Answers on a postcard please.

If there is one thing that is a certainty at the moment, this Tory government needs no opposition. It has absolutely shown its intent on losing the next election (yes for the Saffers, there is more than one party here that could win or lose the elections, unlike in SA) by the actions and the scandals that it involves itself in every day. In local terms it appears to be riddled in charges of corruption, collusion and sleaze but I suppose as was the government before this one and most likely the one after this one. What is it with politicians? How is it that they can be so dumb as to not think that the press and the social media bloggers will not see what they are up to and tell the world. If there is one thing about the freedom of the Internet, smartphones and the like it has to be that there is no place to hide. The world over politicians all seem the same (although generally they don’t have six wives like one JZ has in SA). They all suffer from persevering stupidity driven by greed, and power over the masses.

And finally, I am glad that I am not the triggerman. That is a big call to make.

God Speed.

Day 141 - Location Location Location

Lunch today was decidedly average. Eaten in a pub with no soul, owned by people who clearly had no taste whatsoever – not even a jot - in décor because the décor and the furnishings and the curtains and carpets and the light fittings were awful and completely mismatched (not eclectic – that would be quirky, this wasn’t), run by staff who clearly hadn’t heard of going anywhere let alone the extra mile for their customers and cleaned by fairies who perhaps need new wands.

I actually need to explain this a bit more to put it into perspective: here in the UK the pub industry is massive, it employs thousands or even hundreds of thousands of people maybe even millions of people. There are a myriad of publications covering every angle and every facet of the business, breweries and pub companies have experts in their midst that would happily help a pub owner to be better, guide them to better retail standards; hell if you sell their beer they may even help you financially to modernise your facilities…, and therefore, in my humble opinion, there is no excuse in 2012 to offer such a piss poor and dated environment.

But today it seemed to make no difference to the several hundred fellow lunch eaters at the Wharf Tavern which is somewhere I’m not sure I’ll find again, somewhere in Shropshire, I think. Next to a canal with wharfage facilities (not a very original name for the pub then don’t you think?). Oh and did I mention the not one but two caravan parks alongside the pub. And did I mention that we had to wait half an hour to get a table. And did I mention that there was no such thing as any table service whatsoever? And did I mention the two rather large car parks the pub had. And the awful uncomfortable furniture. And yes, the several hundred diners all eating merrily their Sunday lunch. And did I mention that we left depressed?

Depressed you ask? OK not really depressed because I’ve given up giving a shit, confused maybe is a better word. Here’s the difference. Our pub – yes we are part of the industry so maybe we are a little critical of others – you think… I can hear you saying – is really doing well. We are very busy, we do a lot of food, we sell a fair bit of beer, and we do functions, conferencing and and and…

We do several hundred meals a week, they would have done several hundred meals today…. we can seat about 60 people tops, they can seat double that and had a queue… we make most of our food fresh in house, most of theirs, based on what we saw on the menu, comes out of a box…we use only well-known brands of condiments – like Coleman’s, Heinz etc. – they use al cheapo no name brand sachets, we offer a level of table service and go way beyond the extra mile is we have to, there you have to order and pay at the bar, we pour a beer into that beers branded glass, there…anything goes.

And here’s the rub. We’re on the high street; they’re next to a picturesque canal in the countryside. And that my friends, is their Ace card. If you have location location location you can just about do anything you want.

And today proves it. It has never been clearer in my mind.

God speed.