OK I accept that I am a bit of a novice when it comes to the system over here. And since we arrived and went pretty much straight into running our own business we've had to learn pretty quickly, relying on previous lessons, some sage advice from a best guess choice of advisers - who I can add have turned out OK - and a bit of common sense and probably quite a bit of luck.
Now in business or domestic bliss the system where you are you'll just know what its all about. You'll know just about how your phone bill is calculated, how your electricity bill is calculated, how long it takes for the post to be delivered, how often you get the water bill, when you put your rubbish out, when your rubbish is collected. You'll just know. The process in these times of austerity hasn't really changed much and where it has changed your mate will know, or your neighbour and you'll get to know. And you won't really give it too much thought. But for all the people that have moved countries and don't have that support network. They don't know. Its different. The bins are a different colour. And certain colours get collected on certain days and they only get collected once every two weeks. And you have to figure out when the sneaky neighbours put theirs out and then quickly put yours out. And you have to know what happens when there is a bastard public holiday...
And then there is the water bill. And this is the subject of today's little missive. I have received mine and I am unpleasantly surprised. At no point have I had any contact with the fine folk at Severn Trent Water. But they know me. They know where I live and like animals in the Masai Mara, they charge like wounded Buffalo's. Their horns scraping against ones soul and in the depths of ones wallet. Like animals without emotion they have formed pincer movements, charging from all sides, going for the grisly kill. Parading their trophy. Without any sense of guilt. And this is what happened when I received my bill a few days ago. An eye watering fuck me that's a lot of money bill. Yes one of those. As the tears have dried up I have started thinking about it and looking a little closer at it and it seems they have over charged me. The air starts to re-enter my lungs. I might see the sunrise tomorrow afternoon.
So I ring up customer services today, wanting to point out the error of their ways. And so I start. I say ' I got your bill, thanks you so much', but I think you may have over charged me.' Oh yeah they say, obviously having heard this before.
'Yes' I continue ' it seems that you have charged me twice from the same amount of water used, you see in the breakdown of the bill the first paragraph is opening reading vs closing reading equals usage times by pence per m3 ' I get all that' I say, and then I say ' in the second paragraph you're charged me again for the same water used and i think this is where the error is.' I hear a snicker. No says Stuart, patiently explaining, the water used is the water that we have already charged you for to come out of your tap and is now going down the drain into our waste pipes so we charge you again. I start to choke, my breathing has quickened ' you mean you charge me twice for the same water?' . Yes he says. Flustered now I ask about paragraph three on the bill - this one is titled surface water. And so Stuart goes on to explain that they also charge me for rain water that falls on these premises and runs off into the drainage network. I'm now just about in cardiac arrest, I feel Baba has had his way with me. I am violated. £547 just for rainwater removal is one serious load of rainwater. And they say that water reservoirs in the UK are at an all time low. What the fuck is going to happen when it really does rain!?
I put the phone down, tears streaking my pale cheeks. From now on we bath only once a month. All dishes must be licked clean. Plants must be plastic. It may be cheaper to brush our teeth with Evian. What has the world come to?
I can't wait to get the gas bill.
Until the next time. Send money.
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