Day 135 - Two Phone Phil

Hello?
Yeah…on the train…
Yeah London mate…just for the day…and you…what you up to?
Oh ok…and after that what you up to?
Yeah yeah.
No mate ain’t got the time to be honest, gotta get back…
You should come up sometime….

Ah hang on mate…me other phone’s ringing…ok yeah I’ll call you back later, bye

Hello?

We’ve all seen Two Phone Phil. Two Phone Phil is the bloke that always speaks the loudest on his mobile phone. Everyone hears his view and his half of probably a made up conversation on Lesbian World Domination, the fate of Kodak or the state of the US Dollar vs the rising value of the Pakistani Rupee. In fact, it is documented (ok it’s not really) that the smaller the place or the busier the place is, is directly proportional to how loud ‘ol Phil speaks. Two Phone Phil also has, well yes, two mobile phones and a huge opinion on everything and himself. Why he has two phones? I have no idea so, and for me there could be just about nothing worse, so I will merely surmise that he is a/ either very important in his own world, b/ his expression on world affairs is sought after c/ he’s hiding something from someone or d/ he’s a drug dealer with a cocaine problem or…a combination of these things. But he’s more important that most anyway and very clever, and needs both handsets to ensure that he can hold a simultaneous conversation, you know two ears two phones… Or he’s just schizophrenic. 

So two phones. Does this means he has to memorise two numbers and memorise who gets what numbers. And does he store your contact details on both phones in case he loses one. And can he get onto his facebook profile using both phones at the same time? And to which phone does his email go to. Can he send an email to himself.

And does he have two business cards? What if the battery goes flat in one of them, does he swap batteries? And which one does he charge first. Is the ring tone different on each? Jesus I thought my life was complicated at times!

Months ago I wrote on this ramble of a blog about how we had moved into the only village in the northern hemisphere that doesn’t have mobile phone reception. The words went something like ‘people in Somalia have more mobile phone reception…’. It turns out I was wrong. I have discovered that if I lie flat on my bed, on my back with my phone on my chest I get full signal strength. Which is great. As long as the volume is set to deafening. We also get faint signal by the table by the fire and in the middle cubicle in the ladies. And if you stand on your left leg in the middle of the car park facing east. Yes dear reader. Vodafone will sponsor the opening of an envelope but a mobile phone signal in 21^st Century provincial Britain…

So, no phone signal. And it’s bizarrely therapeutic. No ringing phones, no funny at home but not so funny in the pub ringtones. No bar staff thinking that their mobile phone conversation with their mate or their mom is more important than serving my customers. 

No irritating one sided conversations to listen to. And no Two Phone Phil. Can life get any better? Is the pub not a refuge from the daily grind of life? Surely that email can wait. I think so.

I have arrived.

Until next time in the near future.